Jan 27, 2010

Be afraid...

I've been quite tired lately. And no, it's not because I'm up all night rewriting Carrie.

It all started a few days ago.

On that fine day, I woke up in the guest bed in my parents' house and my reality-meter kicked in. Mine is hardly a sustainable lifestyle. I am 32 years old, I live with mom and dad in the suburbs, and my shopping habit is being fed by handouts from the unemployment agency. (And I take this opportunity to thank everyone who pays, or has ever paid, French taxes. Much appreciated.) Moreover, my novel (all 30% of it) is probably terrible. Even if it's amazing, no one else might think so (which would probably mean it's terrible after all). And even if other people do think it's amazing, it's likely to take years for anyone to pay me any kind of money for it.

So, I bit the bullet. That's right folks. I applied for a job. A legal job. In a big, scary company. A legal job that is in fact, freakishly perfect for me. Which means I may even get it.

And that's where my problems began. Remember how I said I had been feeling really tired recently? It's because of the nightmares. I kid you not. Actual, honest-to-God, wake you up at night feeling sweaty and needing your mother nightmares. About working.

And by working I mean setting the alarm at 7 every morning - taking an overcrowded metro - sitting in an office all day - getting yelled at by people - being way too tired when you get home to do anything - living with a blackberry attached to your hip like some kind of tumor. That kind of working. The kind that comes with a paycheck.

Fortunately, I have simultaneously discovered melatonin.

And next week I'll be in Namibia.

So then I can dream about lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!

3 comments:

Jill the Duchess said...

Res!

Okay my first thought is Namibia? Just after NYC? Sounds amazing!

My second thought is, keep writing!!! Everyone thinks their writing is shit, every day, but keep writing anyway. I'm sure you're book is fabulous, and if we never get to read it, we'll never know!

I hear you on the work front - when I started my old job in LA when I first moved here I literally woke up several times a night having panic attacks. So I hear you. I would sit straight up in bed hypervenalating from the idea of going to a bullshit, dead end job!

My advice, not that you asked for it, is unless you have to get off unemployment - don't. Just because you applied for the job doesn't mean you have to take it. Keep writing. Make that your job. Force yourself to set a timer and sit down daily and write for like an hour. Even if it's shit and when you're done you hate it and throw it away. Just keep writing! Make it your job. Introduce yourself as a writer when anyone asks!

Sometimes we have to go back to work to fund our dreams, and there's no shame in doing so, but if you don't have to right now, don't - and give your dream and your writing another chance to develop and become.

I believe in YOU Res!!!

"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate, it is that we are more powerful than our wildest dreams."

And if you want to guest blog a post on Duchess, I'd be honored. I want "N" to as well because you two women fascinate me! You're amazing and there is such an audience for what you live, share and write!!

Keep on keeping on Res!

res i(p)sa said...

Dear Jill,
Thank you so much. I don't know what I would do without the faith and support of my friends (including the ones I've never properly "met" yet!)
And a guest post on Duchess? Wow! That would be such an honour!

Anonymous said...

Hey Res, you have to start blogging more often! You are keeping all your loyal fans waiting for way too long!!!!!!!!