Jan 2, 2012

What I really need

I broke my own rule and actually made New Year's resolutions this year. And not just one or two, but a long, detailed list of them, with KPIs and measurement tools... (apparently one year is enough to make you a consultant forever).

I'll spare you the oh-so-cliché resolutions about exercising more and eating less (I am a girl, after all). The important one for present purposes is that I did resolve to come back to blogging. And you, dear readers, are going to make me stick to it. (Should that even still be a plural? Could there possibly be more than one person that still checks these pages after all this time?)

So, to get us started, and to catch up on lost time, I'm going to attempt the traditional year in review. You'll have to bear with me if the memories are fuzzy, though - I seem to have repressed most of 2011.

I'm in Switzerland. I remember that much. It's cold. I'm miserable. I'm already starting to wonder what on earth I'm doing here, and I just got here. I've also just become a feudal lord. I mean, a boss. An actual boss, that hired people and now has to give them work and get them motivated and keep them from screwing up and give them feedback and take it very, very personally whenever they do something wrong or think I'm the world's biggest bitch. I think I may not be cut out for this.

Finally, a little sunshine in my life. In the form of Brazil with Houston Hottie, and sand and ocean and music and nice food and caipirinhas. Never mind that I've become so stressed and high-strung that I can't really enjoy it. Or that I've doubled in size in the past six months. After Brazil I head to Johannesburg for work and never make it out of the hotel. But at least I'm not in the office. This is a bad sign.

Things start looking up for a bit. First of all, because summer comes to Switzerland in May (before promptly disappearing, never to be seen again). Because I start building a very small group of girlfriends with whom I can enjoy drinks by the lake on balmy evenings. Because I have the crazy idea that one of these days I'm going to get a handle on all this people management stuff. Ignorance is bliss.

The beginning of a very ugly downward spiral. I start fighting with everyone at work, in particular my boss. Thank goodness for my one work ally (and very first real friend in Switzerland). I start emptying jars of Nutella. I stop enjoying anything.

The one week break by myself in the South of France doesn't help. Things are only getting worse. After the boss, I now start doing battle with one, then both members of my team. And I hire someone else, as if it's a good idea to subject yet another person to my foul moods and bad temper. The wider politics at work keep poisoning everything. And I am completely incapable of handling any of it, much less myself. I run away to New York to try to remember what sane me was like.

So this is how rock bottom feels. God, it hurts. And not just me, but everyone around me. I feel sick. And pathetic. And angry. But you know what, I think it really does work like they say. Once your feet touch the bottom, you can kick your sad, quivering, suddenly overweight, insomniac self back up.

So here's what I want to say: Screw you, 2011. Bring on round two.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ouch. Hang in there, Res - hope 2012 is much, much, better.

-the one person :)