Double Life

I assume you've noticed things have changed somewhat over the past couple months. Notably, this blog has gone from being somewhat of an afterthought to something altogether more urgent. In fact, the blog is really now "what I do."

I'm coming up to almost 7 years of professional existence. First, as a lawyer. I love the law, it's a fascinating intellectual exercise; sort of like a Rubix cube. But you don't want to be one of those people who are defined by their Rubix cube. That's sad. Today, I'm a consultant. We all know I've had mixed feelings about consulting from the start, and my latest project has given me the most up-close look at a nervous breakdown that I'm willing to risk.

So now what.

Maybe I finally let go of the dream that my job would bring me happiness and fulfillment. Maybe I finally realized I need to look elsewhere for definition.

So I came home, looked around, and I didn't find anything. Even my "cat-lady" fall-back option was gone. And this made me sad. So I wrote about it. And pressed "Publish". And felt a little better. I tried again, and it worked again. Fascinating stuff.

Now I spend large parts of my day composing posts in my head while absent-mindedly aligning boxes on powerpoint. I smile when I realize it's almost time to go to "my real job". I wake up in the morning and rush to check my comments and blog stats, giggling like a schoolgirl when I think I may have "captured" another reader for my stories. What validation! What thrill!

With all this alternative, non-paycheck-related excitement, my days go by a little faster, a little more happily, and even the loneliness has started to recede. Don't worry, I'm not about to trade in the chance at a real life for a virtual one, and an actual face-to-face conversation over lunch with a friend remains more satisfying. And I know I'm taking a risk that my employers (past, present and future) could take offence.

But this is fun. Let me just enjoy it for a while.